Never has it been such a confusing time to be a mum. The government have invested huge amounts of time and money encouraging mums back to work after having a child and many feel huge pressure from their employers to return to work quickly. Equally society does not reward stay at home mums either financially or with any status and this lack of respected identity also can push women into feeling they must work again. Ultimately most 21st century mothers are seeking the out of reach home/work balance.
Mothers struggling under this torrent of conflicting parenting advice are now told by respected author Oliver James that nurseries will damage their children, the naughty step is counter-productive and that toddler misbehaviour is their fault.
In his latest book ‘How not to f*ck them up’ James suggests mothers of toddlers should avoid working outside the home. The psychologist and broadcaster tells mothers that they can not ‘have it all’ and that young children ‘need to be in the presence of a responsive, loving adult at all times’, (after mother the pecking order of substitutes is this: father, granny, nanny, minder, day care). “They do not need a teacher, they do not need friends, stimulation or education,” he writes. He warns working mums that daycare is associated with more boastful, disobedient and aggressive children.
He also attacks former maternity nurse Gina Ford, ‘there is a great deal of evidence that very strict routines do lead to more insecure, and to more irritable and fussy babies.’ He argues that while babies that are left to cry may be more likely to sleep through the night, “it is the babies whose needs have been met who become the secure, calm and satisfied children and productive schoolchildren, and adults — and the ones you might say were spoilt and indulged babies.”
TV show Supernanny and her ‘naughty step’ also come under attack, claiming that strict disciplining of young children is like training them “like a dog in a laboratory”. Naughty step methods, according to James, “often result in repetition of the undesired behaviour, rather than successful management. If you are not careful, you are just creating a guaranteed method for your children to wind you up.”
He writes: “As a parent of a child of this age, you need to realise that if things go pear-shaped it is actually always your fault, in the sense that if you keep a close enough eye on them you can prevent atrocities.”
How Not to F*** Them Up is a sequel to his 2002 book They F*** You Up,
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I knew I shouldn’t have read it.
Ooh, goody! Just what we need, more finger pointing and blame and lack of actualy, real support!
Hurrah – of course it is all the fault of the working mum. Who else could it be?!
I think I’ll blame them for global warming and the Japanese slaughtering whales as well!
And the list could go on …
(That was all sarcasm, peeps – SO over the blame game …)
Great post, thanks
Your damned if you do and your damned if you don’t. Parenting seems to be about feeling guilty for just about everything. So over it too!
My cousin recommended this blog and she was totally right keep up the fantastic work!
Interesting post. Although it’s likely to depress, scare, sadden and irritate me I am interested to read this book and look at how he has drawn these conclusions. Oliver James always causes a but of controversy. His Contented Dementia book was accused of over-simplifying dementia care and I’ll be interested to see if he’s putting forward a hypothesis in this book backed up by observation and anecdote, or proper studies. Next stop the library! Thanks for raising – good post.
As a mother of 3 children who looked after them till they started school, I am always filled with sadness re this topic, I just dont know how you say goodbye
to such a young child. They get to understand the world around them through the security of being with their mother.
I appreciate some people have to work, that staying home is not an option but that fact does not alter the evidence of the damage done to a lot of very young children who are parted from their mother at an age when they are emotionally not able to deal with that separation. Its also hard to imagine how its possible to switch off your maternal thoughts, in order to do justice to the job you are being paid for.
As for naughty steps, thats not intelligent child guidance, its about control, Oliver James is right a lot of women just have no patience in parenting that requires time and thought, instead go looking for a solution that gives a quick fix for their own convenience.
When my children were young, nobody had invented the naughty step !!! In my house that was replaced with conversation and explanation.
Bringing up a small child and guiding it towards adulthood is a huge responsibility, its also very rewarding and there are no short cuts.
This is an appalling review of the book “How not to f*** them up”!
Far from finger-pointing, Oliver James identifies the problems facing infants and mothers, and makes it patently clear that when he refers to “mothers” the role should be thought of as gender neutral: “mother” refers to the primary care-giver of the child be that the mother, father or ANY OTHER CARE-GIVER (grandparent, nanny, child-minder, etc.).
Contrary to the tone or implication of this review, Oliver James actually encourages mothers to return to work if they want/need to – especially if their own mental health is at stake. However, he warns that because response care is key in the development of a child, the working mother should take measures to provide an adequate substitute carer for the child. This substitute should take the form of another (highly) responsive care-giver rather than simply off-loading the child to a daycare centre.
All of his “opinions” are supported by a wealth of research data available for review in the back of the book. You can read the research that he refers to in your own time and draw your own conclusions.
Please, if you are going to review a book at least read it first.
Hi Bob
Thanks for your comment. This was a news post on the release of this book not a full review. That said, I did read it (I am also a working mum trying to have it all) and agreed with much Oliver James said, I am infact a big fan. You are right, he was refering to any care giver but many simply do not feel they have the funds to pay for a nanny, family close by and willing to take on childcare, or the access to good local childminder, and subsequently feel a nursery is the only remaining option. Many work long hours and need the year round, guaranteed care that a nursery offers.
On a personal level I try to live by much of what Oliver James said but I am very lucky to be able to do so and recognise that not everyone is in this position.